6 years ago, I was 20 years old, 41 weeks pregnant, a full time college student, and scared out of my mind. As Brynn's SIXTH birthday approaches, I feel like I'm standing here with wide eyes thinking "Where in the HECK did the past six years go?"

I can remember vividly feeling so unprepared to be a mother. So inadequate. I second guessed every choice I made during my pregnancy, from the type of stroller I bought to the style of maternity clothes. Being a first time mother is hard enough, you feel as though EVERYONE is judging you...being a first time mother who happens to be single, 19-20 year old without a clue in the world felt rotten. I was so insecure about being single, to the point that I bought a fake wedding ring.

Growing up, I saw my parents' example...two Christians, marrying, waiting a few years, having their first child, mom stays home, dad works. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever see myself getting pregnant at 19, having a baby at 20, living with my parents, and watching my child raised by them while I took a full load of classes and worked two jobs (at one point). It was truly heartbreaking. Anyone who knows me, knows that being a mother is so fullfilling to me, it's my calling. Way above being a photographer...way way WAY above that.

It was torture that for a while, Brynn preferred my parents over me. That they knew what made her laugh the most...that they were the ones rocking her to sleep, singing special songs, etc. I wasn't absent by ANY means, but I was still losing a big chunk of my time with her.

I am SO thankful for my parents, as a parent myself, I can't imagine either of my girls coming home at 19, pregnant and most definitely single. They dove back into diaper changes, sleepless nights (since I had class at 7 am when Brynn was a newborn!), baby food, and I'm sure the embarrassment of having a pregnant teen daughter.

When Brynn's birthday rolls around, it's like I get transported in time. This doesn't happen with Nicholas, and I doubt it will with Josie. Their births were special, but simple. The place where I was in my life when Brynn was born was so...complicated. I can close my eyes and see her beautiful little newborn face looking up at me, and feeling love (of course), but an overwhelming sense of terror. I was sure in my decision that I wanted to raise her, but I had so many doubts if that was the right thing. Just as it would have been crazy a year prior to tell me I was going to be a mom in 12 months, it would have been even crazier if someone had walked into that hospital room and told me that within two years of Brynn's birth, I would be *almost* engaged to the man of my dreams.

But no one was there to tell me it was going to work out. That I would be able to give Brynn a loving daddy. That I would someday have a husband to share the responsibility of being a parent with. That I wouldn't be living with my parents, depending on them for the bulk of her support. For the majority of my hospital stay, I was left alone with this new little person...100% terrified. I cried SO much, just holding her and promising it would be okay. Looking back, I was obviously convincing myself. She was so perfect, and I just knew she deserved more than I could give her at that moment...and that was a really sucky feeling.

So yeah, I'm pretty emotional when Brynn's birthday rolls around. I wouldn't go so far as to say it was "traumatic", but it was the most hardest period of my life. The most lonely. The scariest.

I wish so bad that there could have been more joy. That when watching my parents hold her for the first time, I couldn't see that little hint of sorrow. Sure, it was their first grandchild, but it was also forcing their daughter to grow up much to early...to lose the carefree days of being a 20 year old...again, I can't imagine the mixed emotions they must have been going through.

But you know? God really had my life planned perfectly. I wouldn't trade my experiences as a single mom for anything. I grew up fast, but it certainly was more productive for me to be a mother than party my life away in Canton. Brynn was a chance to start over...she was the first meaningful gift in a long line of gifts I've been given. Without her, I never would have met Nick, since I wouldn't have moved to Florida with my parents. Even if I had met him, I wouldn't have been 'wife material' since she put a halt to my wild streak. Nick has said that seeing me be a mother was beautiful and made him fall in love with me even faster. Then came our marriage, and then Nicholas and Josie.

Man, I wish someone could have told freaking-out-20-year-old-Rachel that!

Sorry this turned into such a book! Blogs about Brynn usually do that. Like I said, the emotions are all over the place with her, and are so strong!