I'm not using the word "epiphany" lightly. I'm trying to sort out where to begin, so hang in here with me for a second.

I have always been "body conscious". In college, I dated a guy who, in front of about 50 people at a party, described in detail how unattractive parts of my body were. The memory of that still makes me cringe. The most cringe worthy part was the fact that I stayed with him for a long time and gave him my whole heart.

I tried to just get over it. To be a confident woman, "flaws" and all. But I never succeeded. Nick bore the brunt of this insecurity. Nothing he said was good enough. If he complimented my body, I would roll my eyes and dismiss his praise. If he said nothing, I would convince myself that he, too, was disgusted with my body as my college boyfriend was. If, when I brought up plastic surgery, he was for it (not even enthusiastically, but just, "okay, if you want to") I was hurt, because I wanted him to say, "You don't need it".

I'm doing a Beth Moore Bible study called "Breaking Free", and one day focused on how beautiful we are in God's eyes. I cried throughout the whole lesson. When Nick asked what was wrong (as a good husband!) I unleashed my pain on him. I told him that he was wrong for not telling me that I didn't need plastic surgery. I told him that if he could just see me as God sees me, that I wouldn't worry about my body. I told him that because he wasn't close to God, it affected my body issues. I simply let him have it.

It, of course, turned into a full blown argument, and ended with me in a heap on the kitchen floor sobbing. Thinking all sorts of angry thoughts about Nick. I thought I was obviously the one in the right. That if we didn't live in a culture where Victoria Secret models pop up in between shows, bouncing all over the screen, I wouldn't have this issue. That if I was the only woman Nick had ever seen naked, he would obviously thought that I was perfect. These may be all technically true things, but Nick is human, not Jesus!

A while later, I went grocery shopping. Nick had wrote a list of things to pick up, and at the bottom of the list, he wrote "Read back". And this, my friends, is what opened my eyes to what I was missing in my heated, righteous anger:

Rachel,
For you to be happy is my number one goal in my life. I love you just the way you are, you are perfect. I married you the way you are and expected you to change nothing. I only wanted you to be happy. If you wanted to change something for you the fine because I wanted you to be happy, but don't change anything for me, because I love you exactly the way you are right now. I'm sorry I made you feel otherwise.


I love you


so much...


Yeah, people. If I thought I was crying hard before, you have no idea. I pressed that note to my chest and just cried. I am so thankful for my husband. These words were such a balm to a gaping open wound I hadn't even realized was still there.

Then God opened my eyes even more. A friend told a story about a boyfriend she had, who had a large mole on his face. She admitted that he would have been more attractive without the mole, but she thought he was perfectly handsome as he was, and she loved him. At first, when she told me this (this was before my epiphany), I bristled. I thought, "Sheesh, if God put it there, she should think he is perfect as he is, and that getting it removed, or even thinking he'd be more handsome without it is basically saying he ISN'T perfect with it."

The last night, as I was getting ready for bed, out of nowhere, THIS was revealed to me:

I like to consider myself an intellectual person. I enjoy learning, I enjoy reading, and I think video games are a big, fat waste of time. Nick, on the other hand simply wasn't wired to have level 5 conversations about the meaning of life, or dissect the book "Walden". I love him the way he is, 110%. BUT, I *do* find intellect and bookworm tendencies attractive. Again, Nick likes basketball and video games. He has probably read 5 books in his entire life, where I read 5 books a month.

Anyone following me, here?

I'm not a visual person, physically attractiveness (while Nick has it!) has never been a key factor when I dated in the past, and it certainly wasn't the reason I married Nick. I simply don't see anything wrong with his body whatsoever, even if he is 25 lbs heavier than when we got married....even if he gained 50 more pounds, I can honestly say I wouldn't find him any less perfect. Nick on the other hand, is a very visual person, so while I know he finds me perfect "as is", I can be sure that if I were to improve parts of my body, tone up, keep my hair long, etc. he would notice, just as if I were to gain 50 lbs, while I know without a doubt he would still love me, he wouldn't be AS attracted to me. Which is fine!

Just as if he were to never have a deep conversation with me, or show any interest in Indie flicks, or let me read to him (he does!),  or on another note, never help with the kids or quit his job and become a couch potato, a part of me would feel less attracted to him. And if tomorrow he were to start smoking cloves and sit at a coffee house with me for 3 hours discussing my favorite book (The Razor's Edge), you can bet I would find myself MORE attracted to him.

But. I don't NEED to be MORE attracted to him, because I already think he's perfect. That would just be a perk.

And Nick doesn't NEED to be MORE attracted to me. He already thinks I'm perfect. Getting anything "fixed" would just be a perk.

So that was my epiphany. :)